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| Mother & Daughter-in-LOVE |
Relationship of Culture
Southern African peoples have similar cultural practices when it
comes to marriage from lobola “the bride price” process and ceremony through to
the dynamics and functions surrounding the new addition to the family. The success
of the addition of the new Muroora
(daughter-in-law) into a family is often varied dependant on the make-up and
mindset of the receiving family and its queen, the new muroora’s Amwene (mother-in-law). In many reported
cases, the Amwene and / or members of
the new family reject the new Muroora
and make it difficult for her to settle in the family with constant criticism
and judgement coupled with test after test to prove herself. You would be
forgiven for thinking that the Amwene did not want her sons married hence their
seeming outrage at the introduction of a Muroora
and the subsequent ill-treatment of the young woman.
Muroora to a Monster-in-Law
The situation is made worse when the girl comes to the family
because she has fallen pregnant and / or she is deemed not be ‘good enough’ for
the son. In that scenario culture requires the boy and his family to accept the
girl and for her to be married and recognised as a Muroora which inevitably results
in abuse. Some Amwene’s simply don’t believe
that anyone is good enough for their son…others still act out of PTSD (post-traumatic
stress disorder) whereby they were once abused Muroora’s themselves at the hands of a wicked Amwene and they don’t actually know another way to be or simply choose
not to find one…This toxic situation
is further exacerbated by the culture of ‘suffering in silence’ while you ‘earn
your place’ in the new family that is encouraged widely, leaving the new Muroora trapped in an abusive
relationship with her in-laws powered by a culture that upholds the Amwene and in-laws’ prerogative to manage
the new addition to the family the way they see fit.
Cultural Mix & Match
As I approached marriage, the fear of God was driven into me by
the multitudes of stories of young Muroora's
who suffer at the hands of their Amwene's
and other in-laws. It became apparent that the harder these poor girls tried to
fit in and win the approval of their new families, the worse it seemed to get. Muroora’s like me from another tribe
(and in my case, another country) who did not have a full understanding of the receiving
family’s culture seemed to fair worse and were even more so ill-treated than Muroora’s from the same cultural background.
If life
was like an American high school movie, I would have been voted 'the least
likely to be successful or survive a traditional Shona family as a Muroora.’
I would have been rated completely under-qualified to be a Muroora in a traditional Shona family based on the high cultural
expectations of a woman who occupies the post of first Muroora married
to the eldest son.
Now in
my defense I must highlight that my underwhelming credentials are not as a
result of my mother failing to raise me 'right'. In fact, my mum did a great
job at teaching, by example, how to balance a career and a family - How to
make home, host visitors and make them feel at home - How to 'master-chef"
and leave everyone asking for seconds! I learnt other things from mum about
honouring and cherishing your husband, nourishing, praying for and being the
example to your children. Many of these lessons I learnt from watching her
without even realising it until I became a wife and mother and started running
my own household. Prima facie that doesn't sound like a below par Muroora does it?
Whilst I
am capable in the kitchen and have made a good home for my family and host and
care for my extended family, my understanding of "Shona culture" is
poor at best in spite of my best efforts to try to understand the cultural
"rules of engagement" for a Muroora
and her "new" family aka the in-laws. Much of what I
was told from various quarters was confusing at best, varied in application and
ultimately left me confused. My chosen approach therefore was to just be
myself, love my husband and his family and trust God to guide me as I navigated
my way through my new family in search of ‘my
place’.
Muroora to a Mother-in-Love
I first heard the term Mother-in-Love recently at a kitchen tea party for a young bride
who was being sent off into marriage by her mother and all of the women who had
gathered to wish her well and give her advice on how to navigate this new
chapter in her life. It reminded me of my kitchen tea and start as a Muroora. I
didn’t know what to expect and though my in-laws were kind and accepting of me,
my husband’s family are very traditional people, so for the first year of my
marriage I must be honest I braced myself expecting my in-laws to change on me
and for the horror stories I had heard about in-laws to kick in.
The term ‘Mother-in-Love’ so perfectly describes
my husband’s mother who literally adopted me as her own child through the
process of marriage. She decided from the beginning that she would treat me
like a daughter not just a ‘Muroora’
in the traditional sense and definitely not in the commonly experienced abusive
sense. I didn’t know this at the time
but this was a conscious decision on her part and the family followed her lead
so joining her family truly felt like coming home in so many ways.
She identified my strengths and appreciated me for
them. She also identified my weaknesses and instead of admonish me and trash
talk me she would find opportunities to teach and guide me. She made herself my
greatest ally and advocate in the extended family. Her efforts have resulted in
a feeling of acceptance and a sense of being loved and understood.
I often think of our relationship to be
similar to that of Naomi and Ruth in the bible in that because of Naomi’s love
and acceptance of Ruth, Ruth could not place herself in another family or in a
context or time where Naomi’s people were not her people.
Whenever conflict arises in the family that
somehow involves or affects me, she never takes sides, rather advises all
parties to do what is right and consider the perspective of the other. When she and I disagree on something as is
normal in any relationship, her love remains constant and felt through our
issue. She takes every opportunity to celebrate me and is always quick to tell
me how proud she is of me when I achieve something in my personal and
professional life…As a direct result of how she chose to approach the coming of
a Muroora into the family, our union
by law has grown into a bond grounded in love and for this I am so grateful…
Ratidzo...
When I heard about the story of the man Lameck who
stormed a funeral to challenge the dead in the form of his daughter’s Amwene aka monster-in-law, to vindicate
his child it touched me.
On the one hand I was moved by this father who
unashamedly stood up to defend his daughter, who had rescued her from an
abusive family instead of forcing his daughter to stay with them and ‘suffer in
silence’. I salute him and every family who value their daughter’s happiness
and security over perception.
The media storm that followed that story however
was heart-breaking…story after story of these ‘monster’s-in-law’ that had
abused and continue to abuse their Muroora’s
surfaced like a wave of emotion that flooded social media. Lameck broke the silence
that so many Muroora’s have had to
suffer under for so long to the detriment of their mental and physical health
not to mention their marriages.
On the other hand, there was Ratidzo...
Ratidzo, a Zimbabwean name in the Shona language meaning ‘A sign’…
Ratidzo the name of my Amwene, my mother-in-love…A sign that shames every woman who uses
culture to abuse and destroy the beauty in her Muroora when our culture and traditions do not call for it at all.
Ratidzo… a modern day traditional woman who loves
God and loves her family and operates in the realm of love and understanding…
She is a much needed sign in these perils times that promote so much pain and abuse
in so many homes and secret places where Muroora’s retreat in fear to suffer in silence…
Ratidzo…a sign that love can be the foundation of
every relationship created by marriage beyond surface and superficial politeness
for the sake of appearance as many have resorted to do.
With all this pain being unearthed online in
response to Lameck’s plea, I realised that I had the very thing that was needed
to be a ‘healing balm’ on the wounds of those hurting Muroora’s and those bitter and cruel Amwene’s who may themselves be acting out past pain they had experienced...That
realisation motivated me to write this piece and share with you another way, a
better way, a ray of hope through all this pain, a sign….
