For some time now I have been grappling with the issue of “rules of engagement” when it comes to being married into a family…
What is your role?
What are your responsibilities?
What are the boundaries?
What do you do when it all goes wrong?????
This is all the more pertinent particularly when you are the outsider, it seems to be your job to find a way to fit in. Every family has its own dynamics and each member plays a role and though we may not view it that way, the make up or roles in the family rarely change yet somehow there is need to “make room” for the family to grow.
As people are added to the mix with all their talents and flaws in tow, it generally means that either room needs to be created for the new member to have “a place” in the family or they are forced to stay out in the cold...
Or so I thought until today…
Today over coffee in a serene and peaceful garden I had the longest and deepest conversation with a woman of substance, a God-Woman who was gracious enough to listen as I poured out my heart and shared my concerns, fears and hopes… While speaking to her I lamented over my failure to understand what I like to call the ‘cultural rules of engagement’ as I felt that this is what was leading to some of the challenges I faced fitting into my married family. There are just some relationships in there that I am failing to successfully establish and those who feel that after four years of marriage I still have not earned respect AND that I am to continuously strive to earn that elusive respect… a premise that baffles me… There just seem to be so many hoops to jump through, so many adjudicators and with no real way of knowing if youre making headway or if you are going around in circles… I must confess that this status quo has vexed my soul unto death…
The first moment of clarity on this issue I have had in years was when my companion said to me, that my first mistake was in approaching marriage through a cultural lens rather than a biblical lens. She added, does the bible not require a man to leave his mother and father (family) in order to be married and become one flesh with his wife. Gotquestions.org puts it so well where it describes this process as follows;
” there are two types of relationships. The parent-child (family-child) relationship which is the temporary one because there will be a “leaving.” The husband-wife relationship is the permanent one—“what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matthew 19:6).
God has “biblical rules of engagement” for marriage clearly spelt out for us and this is where every couple needs to start… Where this principle of “leaving” is not understood and applied correctly, and instead is replaced with the Muroora (daughter-in-law) coming in to join the husband’s family, the “biblical rules of engagement’ principles are lost and no wonder chaos ensues!
After one ‘leaves’ the next part of the principle is an instruction to “cleave to his wife and become one with her.” I learnt that the word cleave is actually a Hebrew word meaning;
This is the part that literally blew my mind! I had been focusing on the wrong things, creating room in my heart and marriage for the actions and opinions of extended family who should never had been given that room to occupy space in my mind and heart, space that should have been reserved for him, my soulmate…
Weddings see brides and grooms share vows and the preacher says a lot more about how the two become one however if you are a bride from my part of Africa you are directed to focus on being welcomed into your husband’s birth family and playing the role of a good Muroora. The extended family view is what you are directed to devote your efforts to whilst making a home for your husband and future children almost with equal importance. You focus your efforts on pleasing your husband and pleasing his birth family and quickly the lines can become blurred between what is central to your marriage (the two of you and your children) and what is peripheral, (i.e. extended family on both sides).
Upon reflection I realised another truth that supports the principle of cleaving and becoming one; when all external interference is removed from my marriage we have an insanely crazy peace, our hearts beat in sync and we get each other... we are so happy. We are on the same page about everything that counts, raising our children, work, investments et al and we rarely argue about critical issues. He is my soulmate and we are still crazy in love, five years and two children later… When we are in our zone and my husband and I act in unison great things happen by God’s grace…When we are not on the same page, or external influences and issues sneak in disguised as "duty", then chaos ensues... So, the more time, effort, prayer and focus given to our marriage the stronger and better and happier we are and the better positioned we are to face any external interference or issues with a unified voice.
So how do you balance 'leave and cleave' with honouring your parents, you ask? Good question! My understanding of the matter is simple, priority number one is ‘our family’, (marriage and children) and anything that stands against that unit we will not allow to prevail and can make no room for in our lives. At the same time, we love and honour our parents by striving to be sensitive to their needs and understanding their circumstances. We invest time in spending with them and ensure they have as much time with their grandchildren as possible. We stand in the gap in times of need or crisis and we make sure we are able to care for and support them as they grow older. In a nutshell, we love them but remain focused on the most important thing.
What makes this process easier for us is where there are some extended family member’s that sometimes position themselves against our marriage through their actions, we take comfort and walk in confidence knowing that our parents on both sides are our biggest supporters and cheerleaders wanting our marriage to succeed.
When all is said, and done, in the midst of the fog of chaos, extreme personalities and cultural confusion, one thing remains true and constant; the word of God. It sets out the ultimate ‘rules of engagement’, whether its 1 Corinthians 13 directing us to above all else LOVE, or the clear instruction in Genesis 2 vs. 24;
“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” –
A note for him...
My darling,
I recommit my heart solely to you and ‘our family unit’.
I choose to Leave behind any and every distraction from focusing on building a solid foundation for our family.
I choose you and will cleave to you fiercely…
My heart’s desire is that we continue strengthening the bond we formed that sunny July afternoon when we said “I do” and Become-One…
I choose US!
What is your role?
What are your responsibilities?
What are the boundaries?
What do you do when it all goes wrong?????
This is all the more pertinent particularly when you are the outsider, it seems to be your job to find a way to fit in. Every family has its own dynamics and each member plays a role and though we may not view it that way, the make up or roles in the family rarely change yet somehow there is need to “make room” for the family to grow.
As people are added to the mix with all their talents and flaws in tow, it generally means that either room needs to be created for the new member to have “a place” in the family or they are forced to stay out in the cold...
Or so I thought until today…
Today over coffee in a serene and peaceful garden I had the longest and deepest conversation with a woman of substance, a God-Woman who was gracious enough to listen as I poured out my heart and shared my concerns, fears and hopes… While speaking to her I lamented over my failure to understand what I like to call the ‘cultural rules of engagement’ as I felt that this is what was leading to some of the challenges I faced fitting into my married family. There are just some relationships in there that I am failing to successfully establish and those who feel that after four years of marriage I still have not earned respect AND that I am to continuously strive to earn that elusive respect… a premise that baffles me… There just seem to be so many hoops to jump through, so many adjudicators and with no real way of knowing if youre making headway or if you are going around in circles… I must confess that this status quo has vexed my soul unto death…
Leave… Like seriously get up on Out!
The first moment of clarity on this issue I have had in years was when my companion said to me, that my first mistake was in approaching marriage through a cultural lens rather than a biblical lens. She added, does the bible not require a man to leave his mother and father (family) in order to be married and become one flesh with his wife. Gotquestions.org puts it so well where it describes this process as follows;
” there are two types of relationships. The parent-child (family-child) relationship which is the temporary one because there will be a “leaving.” The husband-wife relationship is the permanent one—“what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matthew 19:6).
God has “biblical rules of engagement” for marriage clearly spelt out for us and this is where every couple needs to start… Where this principle of “leaving” is not understood and applied correctly, and instead is replaced with the Muroora (daughter-in-law) coming in to join the husband’s family, the “biblical rules of engagement’ principles are lost and no wonder chaos ensues!
Cleave and Become-ONE
After one ‘leaves’ the next part of the principle is an instruction to “cleave to his wife and become one with her.” I learnt that the word cleave is actually a Hebrew word meaning;
‘the pursuing hard after someone else and being glued or stuck to them.’
This is the part that literally blew my mind! I had been focusing on the wrong things, creating room in my heart and marriage for the actions and opinions of extended family who should never had been given that room to occupy space in my mind and heart, space that should have been reserved for him, my soulmate…
Weddings see brides and grooms share vows and the preacher says a lot more about how the two become one however if you are a bride from my part of Africa you are directed to focus on being welcomed into your husband’s birth family and playing the role of a good Muroora. The extended family view is what you are directed to devote your efforts to whilst making a home for your husband and future children almost with equal importance. You focus your efforts on pleasing your husband and pleasing his birth family and quickly the lines can become blurred between what is central to your marriage (the two of you and your children) and what is peripheral, (i.e. extended family on both sides).
Upon reflection I realised another truth that supports the principle of cleaving and becoming one; when all external interference is removed from my marriage we have an insanely crazy peace, our hearts beat in sync and we get each other... we are so happy. We are on the same page about everything that counts, raising our children, work, investments et al and we rarely argue about critical issues. He is my soulmate and we are still crazy in love, five years and two children later… When we are in our zone and my husband and I act in unison great things happen by God’s grace…When we are not on the same page, or external influences and issues sneak in disguised as "duty", then chaos ensues... So, the more time, effort, prayer and focus given to our marriage the stronger and better and happier we are and the better positioned we are to face any external interference or issues with a unified voice.
“And they shall become one flesh - Marriage takes two individuals and creates a new single entity.”
Leave and Cleave vs. Honour thy mother and father
So how do you balance 'leave and cleave' with honouring your parents, you ask? Good question! My understanding of the matter is simple, priority number one is ‘our family’, (marriage and children) and anything that stands against that unit we will not allow to prevail and can make no room for in our lives. At the same time, we love and honour our parents by striving to be sensitive to their needs and understanding their circumstances. We invest time in spending with them and ensure they have as much time with their grandchildren as possible. We stand in the gap in times of need or crisis and we make sure we are able to care for and support them as they grow older. In a nutshell, we love them but remain focused on the most important thing.
What makes this process easier for us is where there are some extended family member’s that sometimes position themselves against our marriage through their actions, we take comfort and walk in confidence knowing that our parents on both sides are our biggest supporters and cheerleaders wanting our marriage to succeed.
When all is said, and done, in the midst of the fog of chaos, extreme personalities and cultural confusion, one thing remains true and constant; the word of God. It sets out the ultimate ‘rules of engagement’, whether its 1 Corinthians 13 directing us to above all else LOVE, or the clear instruction in Genesis 2 vs. 24;
“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” –
A note for him...
My darling, I recommit my heart solely to you and ‘our family unit’.
I choose to Leave behind any and every distraction from focusing on building a solid foundation for our family.
I choose you and will cleave to you fiercely…
My heart’s desire is that we continue strengthening the bond we formed that sunny July afternoon when we said “I do” and Become-One…
I choose US!
No comments:
Post a Comment