AfriCAN... Or CANit?

Today is Africa Day! 

As I prepared to celebrate with friends and family I started thinking about what Africa Day really means and if we should celebrate it.

I remember the day I decided to move back home after living as part of the African Diaspora in Europe for over a decade. Almost everyone I know said NO!!!! My country has been troubled for more than two decades and the instability of home worried my loved ones, whilst the insignificance of being in aboard worried me. I believe that we were all born with a purpose, a specific reason of being, in my case, Black. Female. Educated. Creative. Passionate about the African Continent –

‘I am uniquely me placed specifically here for a purpose and until I started living that as my truth I was destined to be insignificant.’

So at the first sign of some semblance of stability I packed up and shipped on home to become part of the solution.

African Diaspora

When I arrived back home I had an insane ‘culture shock’ experience which I did not expect. I had lived away so long, only coming back for short breaks annually, that I no longer new how to fit it. This coupled with the dark times my countrymen had faced while I was away, there was a clear disconnect between us. I had to learn very quickly and make friends with no time to spare. It was a steep learning curve but I rode the wave and made it to the other side…just. Almost a decade back on the continent I am now local once more and yet with a Diaspora view of so many things… I did as my heart desired, came back rolled up my sleeves and found a spot from which I could work, push the agenda I believe in beyond a shadow of a doubt, Africa’s Freedom from foreign dependencies and “support”.

After returning home I realised how disconnected the Diaspora really is from what takes place on the continent. Having been “on the other side” I understood how so many in the Diaspora feel intrinsically and intimately connected to their African roots as they daily morphed into western ethnic minorities. The difficult choices all in the Diaspora must make is to either graft themselves into the foreign societies they find themselves in or do what I did and come back to the continent and take a seat at the table. 

It is impossible to have one foot on either side of that scenario as the realities are so far removed that even the individual trying to live this life will find themselves lost…and after all we cannot serve two masters, now can we?

Pan Africanism

African Politics is demoralising at best…The African Union is like a white-washed-tomb rather than the heartbeat of a brave lion its citizens need it to be. Dependent on western countries for aid to support its work, its curious if there is anything independent about this body, after all it is not polite for one to bite the hand that feeds it…

President Kagame of Rwanda put it best when he said;

“…Without an African Union that delivers, the continent cannot progress, and we face the likelihood of yet another generation of lost opportunity.

This shows that Heads of State were correct to push to accelerate the institutional reform of the African Union as part of the effort to make it financially independent.

Yet it has always been Africa’s moment. The demeaning anecdotes that infect the portrayal of Africa deepen cynicism amongst our own youth who internalise the idea of a helplessly dysfunctional continent.

We should take responsibility for the part we have contributed to these negative images and work to change perceptions by coming together in real solidarity to transform our approach to the business of developing and protecting this continent.

The question at any given time is whether we choose to be present and put in place the institutional capacity needed to seize whatever advantages are available.

Continuing to defer necessary reforms to the future is an implicit decision to do nothing. It means accepting our conditions as inevitable and Africa’s subordinate place in the community of nations as natural.

Looking around Africa, any of us can give examples of situations that hurt deeply because we know they would not exist if we had acted much earlier, as we agreed to do so many times over the years.

There are lives lost in childbirth, villages filled with uneducated children, people locked in refugee camps for decades because of who they are, and countless families who lack the means to guarantee basic dignity.

As noted in the report submitted to you, tens of thousands of young African bodies have been swallowed by the sea, or abandoned in the desert, in pursuit of a decent life for which they are prepared to risk everything, because they believe there is no hope at home.

They testify to the urgent need to act…”

The question therefore that should rest on the lips of every African, passionate about this continent and determined to see us stand tall among the giants is; ‘What are we waiting for?”

Africa Rising

I realised that it was the self-destructive nature of Africa’s leaders that was hindering Africa’s genuine unity and socio-economic freedom, not from Kagame’s speech but rather from his actions to seek an unconstitutional third term in office following many of Africa’s sitting Head’s of State today.

As Kagame rightly points out, there are many examples where we have acted correctly, in time and done well as a continent the challenge is when these acts are few and far between and non-individually amounts to any significant change on a continental level for Africa’s people.

With every surge towards rising out of poverty and disease, an African, ‘Life Leader’ is created and proceeds to supress and pull her down…
 

How then can Africa rise?

And if she rises, to what end?

If Africa lacks the political will to give the shoots of change she experiences an opportunity to take root and grow into the oak trees we need to support a new dawn for our continent – A dawn that sees poverty and disease spread only as a folk story like the black death (bubonic plague) is for the descendants of the Eastern and Western nations – Then She CANNOT Rise in a way that will bring her people true freedom, empower their voices and give them the financial capacity to sustainably change their circumstances.

Read President Kagame’s full speech here. 

Beauty for Ashes...

If you are breathing then you have been hurt a few times both intentionally and unintentionally by those closest to you and sometimes even by acquaintances or complete strangers because offenses will come…

Deliberate and cruel or random and accidental, somewhere somehow at some point in your life’s journey you will encounter hurts that produce pain and sometimes life altering pain. The pain that seems to sting the most and springs fastest to bitterness and unforgiveness is that which comes from people in our inner circles (family both immediate and extended as well as friends).  The issue I have been struggling with which has contributed to my cynical perspective of people is how to overcome when those closest to you offend you.

Offences will come

#HomeTruth No. 1 -- First things first, we need to agree and internalise the simple fact that ‘offences WILL come’ and that’s just the way the cookie crumbles!

Once we have settled this in our hearts then we should have far less surprises as the offences come and we should be better able to withstand the blows and recover quickly, right? Well in theory yes but in practice there are way too many variables to contend with. Take a moment and look back on the last five months of just this  year alone. Think of the fresh violations you have experienced at the hands of loved ones; people who should care for you and therefore know better yet you are able to catalogue all the hurts you have endured  from them this year. Now look further back; five years, ten years, twenty years and so on… There are some offenders in your life that have a track record of hurting you, perhaps a few who you decided to cut off long ago... Others that make you feel like you are sleeping with the enemy (Oh Yes I went there!)... Bottom line, we all have "offences baggage".

So, after that moment of introspection, are we now agreed that offences will indeed come? Sometimes thick and fast, other times occasionally and almost always from the usual suspects with a sprinkling of new faces as you forge new relationships.

Once we embrace this fundamental truth that people are flawed and inherently selfish and therefore what is definite so long as we are breathing is that they will offend us and we in turn will offend someone else (Oh yes! We are not immune, we do it too!)

Unforgiveness begets suffering

As you may have deduced from where this is going I have an offender that I have been struggling to forgive mainly because the hurt and abuse I have suffered at their had has festered, and just I think I have reached a place of forgiveness, the offender strikes again...almost always small petty things which have built up and over time morphed. In the number of years I have known them, the list of offences have built up into a full 'wrap sheet' of unresolved offences which have now escalated to a full-on raging fire that has literally burned its way through my joy and started to set other relationships on fire around me.

The thing about unresolved offences is that they behave like cancer particularly when the offender is unrepentant. They slowly spread until you are consumed with bitterness and unforgiveness that affect every area of your life. You develop a cataract like state whereby everything the offender does you see as an offence and then you start to see everyone with the same lens of hurt and betrayal. This state affects you, breaks, you, damages your relationships, stunts your growth, clouds your vision and robs you of your joy…if you let it.

I was offended by someone very close to my husband and I, someone he introduced to me. This person whom I tried to befriend and embrace turned on me and rejected me almost from the start and one offence lead to another until I got to a place where I could not hear this person’s name without flinching as if I had been slapped…They stirred a barrel of mixed emotions whenever we engaged and often the result of engagement was the pouring out of poisonous venom all over me through words…

Words have life, they cut deeper than a double-edged sword…death and life are in the power of the tongue. My offender uses words to kill my joy and with it goes all the love that I had tried to grow for them. I must admit that in the end after years of struggle, I let anger take over and I drew a line in the sand and cut that person off (not my finest hour). What I had not bargained for was that in the process I became a prisoner to my anger, bitterness and unforgiveness. Whilst I had determined not to have anything to do with this person, they were still connected to me through people in my life who I love which enabled the offender to continue to feed the fire of unforgiveness that was burning within me... 

#HomeTruth No. 2 -- Unforgiveness leads to suffering…Your suffering! God gives you over to suffering when you are unforgiving, yes you read right! He lets you suffer at the hands of your own unforgiveness… I get it too because if after the cross we can be unforgiving then we deserve the consequences that come with it.

The Ashes…

I lost so much joy and time in my determination to live in a state of hurt until my offender saw what pain they had caused and apologised. I was angry with my husband and others who failed to show my offender how they had and continued to hurt me. I felt exposed and unprotected and let down by my loved ones which caused even more pain...This pain brought with  it a very negative thought life, the result is that bitterness took root in my heart and you know bitterness is not selective therefore everyone around me experienced the consequences of it. 

At breaking point I realised that I had entered into a state of depression... No longer was I the optimistic and happy, fun-loving girl my husband had married…I lost myself...

The interesting thing about bitterness and unforgiveness is that it doesn’t imprison your offender, nope! Your offender more often than not is able to spew venom on you then go on happily with their life, leaving you imprisoned in your bitterness all by yourself, laying in the ashes of your life, hopeless, broken and alone…But God.

Embracing the Beauty…

A little while ago I decided that I didn’t want to live in this prison anymore… I was trapped and didn’t know how to get out but I was exasperated at all the burning around me and the mound of ashes that my heart and life had become… So I did what I should have done from the beginning, I turned to God and confessed…I was directed to Isaiah 61:3 which says,

“…and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,the oil of joy instead of mourning,and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair…”

I read this scripture and wept.

Even after the cross and the recognition of my own sinfulness and need for salvation I still managed to get snared by bitterness and caged by unforgiveness. God had made a plan to rescue me from the prison of bitterness and unforgiveness I had created for myself. Yes, you read right, I had created it. Don’t get me wrong my offender was wrong but they were not responsible for my response to the offences that came my way, I was. I could have chosen to let it go but I chose to hold on to the hurt…because I am human…but I ended up hurting myself and those I love in the process.

#HomeTruth No.3 --  I can either hold on to the ashes… my bitterness, my righteous indignation at being hurt or I could let it all go and instead receive a crown of beauty, oil of joy and garments of praise... But I couldn’t have both.

My choice to forgive my offender(s) is not about them at all, it’s all about me. Letting go means setting myself free and securing once more, my happiness, my joy, my peace of mind...

Love them where they are

Part of letting go is re-learning how to love those that hurt you, how to do good to 
those that persecute you – Sounds crazy right? But the bible says it for a reason, If my heart is focused on loving in the 1 Corinthians 13 kind of way, it will be way too busy to keep a record of wrong. It is that record that sparks the fire of bitterness that burns you right down to ashes. The only way to avoid that is to learn how to love your enemies and do good to those that hurt you.

My offender probably believes their actions are justified and they may never change… I have accepted that now which has lifted a weight off my previously very heavy heart.

The reality is that an offence is coming my way, possibly sooner than I even expect...So what do I do to protect my heart?

My Pastor once told me that I need to learn to ‘love people where they are’ – He said that the wisdom is in being able to realise that we cant change people, we can only change how we respond to them. The starting point is identifying how much to give and how far to go in every relationship, allowing experience of that person to modify your behaviour towards them as well as your expectations of the person – This is the best way to guard your heart… I have decided to practically apply this advice to my situation and I would encourage you to do the same.

#HomeTruth No. 4 -- Don’t leave your heart open to everyone and allow everything that happens to you and around you to affect it. Love people where they are and set clear boundaries to protect yourself from bitterness and unforgiveness setting in. 

When you stumble, and allow yourself to become bitter after an offence has burned you then imprisoned you again, (let’s face it we are human and forgiveness is a process); surrender your ashes to God and accept His Crown of Beauty…Allow His love to heal your heart and your mind and dust yourself off and try again...

…A day at a time…

Leave and Cleave...

For some time now I have been grappling with the issue of “rules of engagement” when it comes to being married into a family…
What is your role?
What are your responsibilities?
What are the boundaries?
What do you do when it all goes wrong?????

This is all the more pertinent particularly when you are the outsider, it seems to be your job to find a way to fit in. Every family has its own dynamics and each member plays a role and though we may not view it that way, the make up or roles in the family rarely change yet somehow there is need to “make room” for the family to grow.
As people are added to the mix with all their talents and flaws in tow, it generally means that either room needs to be created for the new member to have “a place” in the family or they are forced to stay out in the cold...

Or so I thought until today…
  
Today over coffee in a serene and peaceful garden I had the longest and deepest conversation with a woman of substance, a God-Woman who was gracious enough to listen as I poured out my heart and shared my concerns, fears and hopes… While speaking to her I lamented over my failure to understand what I like to call the ‘cultural rules of engagement’ as I felt that this is what was leading to some of the challenges I faced fitting into my married family. There are just some relationships in there that I am failing to successfully establish and those who feel that after four years of marriage I still have not earned respect AND that I am to continuously strive to earn that elusive respect… a premise that baffles me… There just seem to be so many hoops to jump through, so many adjudicators and with no real way of knowing if youre making headway or if you are going around in circles… I must confess that this status quo has vexed my soul unto death…

Leave… Like seriously get up on Out!

The first moment of clarity on this issue I have had in years was when my companion said to me, that my first mistake was in approaching marriage through a cultural lens rather than a biblical lens. She added, does the bible not require a man to leave his mother and father (family) in order to be married and become one flesh with his wife. Gotquestions.org puts it so well where it describes this process as follows;

” there are two types of relationships. The parent-child (family-child) relationship which is the temporary one because there will be a “leaving.” The husband-wife relationship is the permanent one—“what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matthew 19:6).

God has “biblical rules of engagement” for marriage clearly spelt out for us and this is where every couple needs to start… Where this principle of “leaving” is not understood and applied correctly, and instead is replaced with the Muroora (daughter-in-law) coming in to join the husband’s family, the “biblical rules of engagement’ principles are lost and no wonder chaos ensues!

Cleave and Become-ONE

After one ‘leaves’ the next part of the principle is an instruction to “cleave to his wife and become one with her.”  I learnt that the word cleave is actually a Hebrew word meaning; 

‘the pursuing hard after someone else and being glued or stuck to them.’ 

This is the part that literally blew my mind! I had been focusing on the wrong things,  creating room in my heart and marriage for the actions and opinions of extended family who should never had been given that room to occupy space in my mind and heart, space that should have been reserved for him, my soulmate…

Weddings see brides and grooms share vows and the preacher says a lot more about how the two become one however if you are a bride from my part of Africa you are directed to focus on being welcomed into your husband’s birth family and playing the role of a good Muroora. The extended family view is what you are directed to devote your efforts to whilst making a home for your husband and future children almost with equal importance. You focus your efforts on pleasing your husband and pleasing his birth family and quickly the lines can become blurred between what is central to your marriage (the two of you and your children) and what is peripheral, (i.e. extended family on both sides).

Upon reflection I realised another truth that supports the principle of cleaving and becoming one; when all external interference is removed from my marriage we have an insanely crazy peace, our hearts beat in sync and we get each other... we are so happy. We are on the same page about everything that counts, raising our children, work, investments et al and we rarely argue about critical issues. He is my soulmate and we are still crazy in love, five years and two children later… When we are in our zone and my husband and I act in unison great things happen by God’s grace…When we are not on the same page, or external influences and issues sneak in disguised as "duty", then chaos ensues... So, the more time, effort, prayer and focus given to our marriage the stronger and better and happier we are and the better positioned we are to face any external interference or issues with a unified voice.

“And they shall become one flesh - Marriage takes two individuals and creates a new single entity.”

Leave and Cleave vs. Honour thy mother and father

So how do you balance 'leave and cleave' with honouring your parents, you ask? Good question! My understanding of the matter is simple, priority number one is ‘our family’, (marriage and children) and anything that stands against that unit we will not allow to prevail and can make no room for in our lives. At the same time, we love and honour our parents by striving to be sensitive to their needs and understanding their circumstances. We invest time in spending with them and ensure they have as much time with their grandchildren as possible. We stand in the gap in times of need or crisis and we make sure we are able to care for and support them as they grow older. In a nutshell, we love them but remain focused on the most important thing.

What makes this process easier for us is where there are some extended family member’s that sometimes position themselves against our marriage through their actions, we take comfort and walk in confidence knowing that our parents on both sides are our biggest supporters and cheerleaders wanting our marriage to succeed.

When all is said, and done, in the midst of the fog of chaos, extreme personalities and cultural confusion, one thing remains true and constant; the word of God. It sets out the ultimate ‘rules of engagement’, whether its 1 Corinthians 13 directing us to above all else LOVE, or the clear instruction in Genesis 2 vs. 24;

“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” – 


A note for him...

My darling, 

I recommit my heart solely to you and ‘our family unit’. 
I choose to Leave behind any and every distraction from focusing on building a solid foundation for our family. 
I choose you and will cleave to you fiercely… 
My heart’s desire is that we continue strengthening the bond we formed that sunny July afternoon when we said “I do” and Become-One… 
I choose US! 

Ratidzo...

Mother & Daughter-in-LOVE

Relationship of Culture

Southern African peoples have similar cultural practices when it comes to marriage from lobola “the bride price” process and ceremony through to the dynamics and functions surrounding the new addition to the family. The success of the addition of the new Muroora (daughter-in-law) into a family is often varied dependant on the make-up and mindset of the receiving family and its queen, the new muroora’s Amwene (mother-in-law). In many reported cases, the Amwene and / or members of the new family reject the new Muroora and make it difficult for her to settle in the family with constant criticism and judgement coupled with test after test to prove herself. You would be forgiven for thinking that the Amwene did not want her sons married hence their seeming outrage at the introduction of a Muroora and the subsequent ill-treatment of the young woman.

Muroora to a Monster-in-Law

The situation is made worse when the girl comes to the family because she has fallen pregnant and / or she is deemed not be ‘good enough’ for the son. In that scenario culture requires the boy and his family to accept the girl and for her to be married and recognised as a Muroora which inevitably results in abuse. Some Amwene’s simply don’t believe that anyone is good enough for their son…others still act out of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) whereby they were once abused Muroora’s themselves at the hands of a wicked Amwene and they don’t actually know another way to be or simply choose not to find one…This toxic situation is further exacerbated by the culture of ‘suffering in silence’ while you ‘earn your place’ in the new family that is encouraged widely, leaving the new Muroora trapped in an abusive relationship with her in-laws powered by a culture that upholds the Amwene and in-laws’ prerogative to manage the new addition to the family the way they see fit.

 
Cultural Mix & Match

As I approached marriage, the fear of God was driven into me by the multitudes of stories of young Muroora's who suffer at the hands of their Amwene's and other in-laws. It became apparent that the harder these poor girls tried to fit in and win the approval of their new families, the worse it seemed to get. Muroora’s like me from another tribe (and in my case, another country) who did not have a full understanding of the receiving family’s culture seemed to fair worse and were even more so ill-treated than Muroora’s from the same cultural background. 

If life was like an American high school movie, I would have been voted 'the least likely to be successful or survive a traditional Shona family as a Muroora.’ I would have been rated completely under-qualified to be a Muroora in a traditional Shona family based on the high cultural expectations of a woman who occupies the post of first Muroora married to the eldest son.

Now in my defense I must highlight that my underwhelming credentials are not as a result of my mother failing to raise me 'right'. In fact, my mum did a great job at teaching, by example, how to balance a career and a family - How to make home, host visitors and make them feel at home - How to 'master-chef" and leave everyone asking for seconds! I learnt other things from mum about honouring and cherishing your husband, nourishing, praying for and being the example to your children. Many of these lessons I learnt from watching her without even realising it until I became a wife and mother and started running my own household. Prima facie that doesn't sound like a below par Muroora does it?

Whilst I am capable in the kitchen and have made a good home for my family and host and care for my extended family, my understanding of "Shona culture" is poor at best in spite of my best efforts to try to understand the cultural "rules of engagement" for a Muroora and her "new" family aka the in-laws. Much of what I was told from various quarters was confusing at best, varied in application and ultimately left me confused. My chosen approach therefore was to just be myself, love my husband and his family and trust God to guide me as I navigated my way through my new family in search of ‘my place’.

Muroora to a Mother-in-Love

I first heard the term Mother-in-Love recently at a kitchen tea party for a young bride who was being sent off into marriage by her mother and all of the women who had gathered to wish her well and give her advice on how to navigate this new chapter in her life. It reminded me of my kitchen tea and start as a Muroora. I didn’t know what to expect and though my in-laws were kind and accepting of me, my husband’s family are very traditional people, so for the first year of my marriage I must be honest I braced myself expecting my in-laws to change on me and for the horror stories I had heard about in-laws to kick in.

The term ‘Mother-in-Love’ so perfectly describes my husband’s mother who literally adopted me as her own child through the process of marriage. She decided from the beginning that she would treat me like a daughter not just a ‘Muroora’ in the traditional sense and definitely not in the commonly experienced abusive sense.  I didn’t know this at the time but this was a conscious decision on her part and the family followed her lead so joining her family truly felt like coming home in so many ways.

She identified my strengths and appreciated me for them. She also identified my weaknesses and instead of admonish me and trash talk me she would find opportunities to teach and guide me. She made herself my greatest ally and advocate in the extended family. Her efforts have resulted in a feeling of acceptance and a sense of being loved and understood. 

 I often think of our relationship to be similar to that of Naomi and Ruth in the bible in that because of Naomi’s love and acceptance of Ruth, Ruth could not place herself in another family or in a context or time where Naomi’s people were not her people.

Whenever conflict arises in the family that somehow involves or affects me, she never takes sides, rather advises all parties to do what is right and consider the perspective of the other.  When she and I disagree on something as is normal in any relationship, her love remains constant and felt through our issue. She takes every opportunity to celebrate me and is always quick to tell me how proud she is of me when I achieve something in my personal and professional life…As a direct result of how she chose to approach the coming of a Muroora into the family, our union by law has grown into a bond grounded in love and for this I am so grateful…

Ratidzo... 

When I heard about the story of the man Lameck who stormed a funeral to challenge the dead in the form of his daughter’s Amwene aka monster-in-law, to vindicate his child it touched me.

On the one hand I was moved by this father who unashamedly stood up to defend his daughter, who had rescued her from an abusive family instead of forcing his daughter to stay with them and ‘suffer in silence’. I salute him and every family who value their daughter’s happiness and security over perception.

The media storm that followed that story however was heart-breaking…story after story of these ‘monster’s-in-law’ that had abused and continue to abuse their Muroora’s surfaced like a wave of emotion that flooded social media. Lameck broke the silence that so many Muroora’s have had to suffer under for so long to the detriment of their mental and physical health not to mention their marriages.

On the other hand, there was Ratidzo... 

Ratidzo, a Zimbabwean name in the Shona language meaning ‘A sign’…

Ratidzo the name of my Amwene, my mother-in-love…A sign that shames every woman who uses culture to abuse and destroy the beauty in her Muroora when our culture and traditions do not call for it at all.

Ratidzo… a modern day traditional woman who loves God and loves her family and operates in the realm of love and understanding… She is a much needed sign in these perils times that promote so much pain and abuse in  so many homes and secret places where Muroora’s retreat in fear to suffer in silence…

Ratidzo…a sign that love can be the foundation of every relationship created by marriage beyond surface and superficial politeness for the sake of appearance as many have resorted to do.

With all this pain being unearthed online in response to Lameck’s plea, I realised that I had the very thing that was needed to be a ‘healing balm’ on the wounds of those hurting Muroora’s and those bitter and cruel Amwene’s who may themselves be acting out past pain they had experienced...That realisation motivated me to write this piece and share with you another way, a better way, a ray of hope through all this pain, a sign….

Ratidzo... God’s way of demonstrating to us consistently that there truly is another way…Love…

Ratidzo.